I have to be honest, I was not very good at being me for most of my life. I know I'm not the only one but it certainly felt like it.
I put up a wall for myself, trying to imitate other people (especially the ones I saw as "cool") so I wouldn't be seen as too weird or too different or too loud or too quiet...too ANYTHING. But the more I tried to be like everyone else, my nervousness and anxiety became worse so I actually ended up feeling and acting even weirder than a "normal" person. (And just to be clear, there is no such thing as "normal". Seriously, how can you even define that as we are all uniquely weird and different? Which is an amazing thing!)
Embracing that weird and goofy part of me and using it to make fun of myself became a tool. I can be a little ditzy so when people noticed and teased me for it, I started to act into that to get a laugh. The TV show, FRIENDS, came out when I was in high school and my friends started to call me "Phoebe" because I was blond and I was, well, ditzy.
I do get nervous posting and talking about certain things. At times I've considered deleting old podcast episodes. Just recently, I released an episode about my experiences growing up fundamentalist evangelical and how authoritarianism affected me personally. It still does at times and I still have fear about saying or doing something that will get me in trouble with those still in it. But then I realize, this is me! This is my background and part of my story and even if someone doesn't like it, this is a part of me. I'm still working through and healing through so much of it too. I don't have it all worked out and I still get triggered and upset and angry at times too. And then other days I'm totally at peace and grateful for it because it made me ME.
So this is me sharing with you who I am and where I've been; what I understood back then and what I understand now. And while it is scary at times, I feel and know that this is the me I was always meant to be. The true me who can shine through all of it.
And yes, fear will show up. But we keep moving through it. Things will feel shaky and you will probably say or do something that might be cringey or appear dumb. (Personally, I feel like I should get at least a Master's degree for appearing cringey and dumb.) But just like a child who is starting to walk, you will eventually get less shaky and more confident as you take those little steps, moment by moment and day by day.
So if this is you or you resonate with any of what I said, know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
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