We’ve all done it. You scroll on social media and see a good-looking person who has perfect skin and hair, sculpted body, flexing in the gym or posing on the beach.
Or you see the latest life coach guru who holds an audience captive with their wisdom, their IG count is 4 Million followers, their latest book is a best-seller and they are making bank.
Or maybe you see that couple who constantly post pictures and talk about the love they have for each other. Bonus points if the wife posts herself in her wedding dress for more than a year after the wedding.
And you sometimes just want to scream or barf. Or both. I know I have that reaction sometimes. What about you?
And, of course, we all know that quote: “Comparison is the thief of joy”. But what else does it do to us?
Keeping Ourselves Small
When I see many posts or comments saying the very thing I want to say, I don’t bother. I think “other people have said it and what’s the point of me saying anything?”I find this happens when I’m on LinkedIn. Articles will pop up and I get notified that I can contribute my own thoughts. And I get excited! “How fun and wonderful!”, I think to myself.
But when I go to the article and I see what others have said, I think “I have nothing to contribute.” I am keeping myself small and hidden because it appears to me that I don’t have much to give. Which is not true. Because I am comparing myself to everyone else.
But what I’ve forgotten at that time is maybe how I word it will reach someone for whom it clicks. And the same for the other people who post. We might be saying the same thing, but we say them in different ways.
Comparing Ourselves Steals Our Authenticity
This ties into keeping ourselves small. Because when we try to change to be like someone else, we are hiding that wonderful part of us.
I’m on a wellness app called “Noom Vibe”, which helps users build healthy habits, live better and get rewarded for it. There are live talks with speakers, coaches and doctors and there is a supportive community within it. I’m a speaker on there and, while I don’t speak regularly, I do a live talk when inspired. And I have noticed over the years that when an idea comes up, either just from something that happens or I feel this need to share what’s on my heart, it is the most truthful, authentic and confident version of me. It is amazing. (Yes, I still get nervous but that’s still because it is live and people are listening.)
BUT when I go up there trying to sound like some of the other coaches I admire, I get fumbly and my brain gets kind of foggy and I forget words. I’m so focused on sounding the right way or saying the right words that it doesn’t sound like just me. Because I’m comparing myself to how the other coaches speak on there.

The Hidden Toll of Comparison On Our Well-Being
I was jealous a lot for most of my life. I literally hated people because I wanted to be them, and it wasn’t fair that they were good at what I wanted to be good at. Or they were too pretty or thin and I wasn’t. Or they got the boy I liked, etc. On and on it went. I know that came from not feeling worthy enough and also I grew up with a lot of shame and criticism and it was all I knew. Maybe you can relate.
But I also had anxiety as far back as I can remember. Maybe the age of 4? And I felt sick a lot. My poor immune system got a beating for so long. And I complained and whined and feared a lot. Anger lived within me. I could hide it at times as I tried to be the “good little Christian girl”, and I posed as one but it would come out in how I talked about someone else and/or when my tone got really haughty. And understanding the underlying reason for that, after years of thinking I was sinning all the time and being “bad”, I see it was due not only to my lack of self-love and worthiness but because I was comparing myself to others.
In Conclusion
I went back to post-secondary school again (for my 3rd time) in my 30s. At first, I started with psychology and then I switched to philosophy in my second year. And oh how I longed to speak so eloquently. But I didn’t. I used to sit in class, flabbergasted and humiliated because I didn’t sound like those who did. I asked ChatGPT to give me an example of what a second-year philosophy student might say that’s pretentious, superior and condescending coz it fits! Here’s what it gave me:
“Well, if we’re going to discuss epistemic justification, I think it’s imperative that we acknowledge the inherent limitations of Cartesian foundationalism. Frankly, it’s almost naïve to engage in discourse without first deconstructing the implicit metaphysical presuppositions baked into our phenomenological framework. But, you know, not everyone has done the readings at the same level.”
Ok, you have to laugh at that because it is funny and we all know, or have known, or have been, someone like that. And here I was, that person who used to talk like “Like, what’s up, dude? Remember that time on “Friends” when…”?
I thought I was just not smart enough to talk with big words. But, now I realize that while I long to talk like that, it doesn’t connect for most people. I can’t remember which philosopher said or did that and I still don’t understand Kierkegaard or Kant or some of the other ones who I can’t even remember but I love ideas and how they connect. And the fact that I can speak like a regular Joe (or a regular Stephanie) and connect these things or bridge them together to help people understand is what I do. And what I like to do. And those students I went to school with who could speak with eloquence probably went on the academic roles like teaching. And that’s wonderful and the world needs that. And who I am is wonderful and the world needs that. And who you are is wonderful and the world needs that.
The next time comparison comes up, one thing that can help A LOT is to remember we are all unique in our own ways. And we are here to do the things in life that we can do. And whether it might be like someone else, there is only one you and there is only one of them. There is only one of all of us, but we all make up this beautiful world.
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